2003-12-15 at 1:55 p.m.
To The point of where I really cannot find a solution anymore. I can't understand what it means. Maybe I don't want to. Scared of what the answer may be, that after all of this time I may actually have been kidding myself. I know I could pretend, forever if need be, and I still would be happy. I'm not like everyone else, I could be happy pretending I'm something I'm not, or maybe not pretending at all. Not sure.
I don't understand it, but obviously I've made achoice. I hope so. At least that way I know its been mapped out for me already, and is just waiting there for me to understand. I've been doing it for ages anyway, it's obvious to you, so why do you still let yourself be there?
This pen isn't turning me on. Grrrrr. She looks like she has had a period down her leg.
Laying on my bed making gurgling noises through the nose. Not sure whether to disturb or not, looking so peaceful. Just staring Probably dreaming of the one you love.
Making me think like this.
*I don't think I am in love with you, just I want you. Selfish? sorry. You would laugh at me if I told you, or completely ignore me forever. I wouldn't blame you.
You said you could never hate me. I don't believe you. I think you will, if I told you what I think. There are reasons for all my actions, and you are them. My feelings are so strong, I want to chuck them away and trade them for friendship ones. Or change yours into the same as mine.
I just want to lean in sometimes, unexpectedly. To see your reaction. To get all of this over and done with once and for all.
It's why I get so frustrated knowing I can't have you the way I want. Wish I had strength to walk away for good.
I'm only happy when you are there, when you are holding me, touching me. I would do a lot to have that properly. I sometimes ask, why can't I? You're a free spirit, so why not? Would you be completely against it? Probably.
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