2004-01-03 at 11:50 a.m.
I’m here, a-waiting my fingers to type, a-waiting them to do my thinking for me. Relying on them, like I do for everything else. I’m still coming to grips with the fact that I’m trying to change, and wondering why no one disagrees.
I don’t listen to people. I know I should, but I don’t. When the tell me things, whether it be about them, about someone else, or about me, I don’t listen. I need to. Instead of just placing everything on people that don’t talk.
I now believe that it wasn’t such a good idea today, it was too late, but still, I had the chance to turn around. Take the advice. I didn’t. And now things have happened. Things that are maybe for the best…maybe. I’m not sure. I believe it was the way it was meant to be, meant to have been for some time, things can’t go on if you’re not happy, just hoping that this way can allow happiness. We will see.
It’s just Me & You now, Against the world, Always & Forever.
I want to fall asleep in someones arms. I feel most alone at night, when I lay there alone, thinking. I know everyone our age is in the same situation…but I want it. I know that would make me happy. Just to lay there, feeling someone who cares presence there, being able to hold tight, and dream for once.
I once believe that I didn’t care about anyone else but one person, but I do care. Maybe not as much as what I would like to, but it is a start. I do care, and I do like other people around, talking to me. People mean something to me that try to be there, I know most of them never can be, but it’s that thought.
I’m proud of you. You did it. I thought you wouldn’t, but you did. I’m sorry.
I’m beginning to think about old people in my life, the ones I have selfishly forgotten about, the ones I have managed to leave behind. Am beginning to miss them, trying my hardest to make amendments, make-up for what I made us lose. I just hate the fact that I haven’t got that chance with you, you & you. I miss you more than ever at the moment. I know you are there, always. Placing a hand on my shoulder, keeping me here. And me being me, I want more. I want you here again. For me to run into your arms the way I used to, and sit on your shoulders, play football, and watch games. I haven’t had that for so long that I have adjusted to fit what other people want.
If I had one thing in the world, I don’t know what it would be. I could typically say I want you back, but then, I think I would rather to have not said what I did say as the last words to you. That’s what eats at me, more than the fact that you are not here.
This is selfish…
I know it’s not good to dwell on the past, dwell on things that could never happen. But I do. Along with millions of others. I have come to terms with the fact that I am not alone. I hope. It took me a while. But it was a punch in the stomach at one point to realize that I was ten times more alone than what I thought.
Hang On….