2004-01-05 at 9:09 p.m.
Let all the others fight & fuss, Whatever happens, We have us. Me & My Shadow
It begins. It ends. We're stuck in the middle. I love you, yet hate you. You love me, yet hate me.
I'll leave you alone.
Have you ever had that weird feeling where you're just floating above everything? Everything has this odd look to it, like you're looking through a piece of cellophane. It's... odd. It makes you feel so alone and just... helpless. Like anyone could come up and touch you, simply caress any part of your body and you would fall apart at the feeling of their fingertips on your flesh, and nobody would even realize or care that you're gone...
I honestly got about 2 hours of sleep last night. I kept having these really bad dreams which kept waking me up. In one of them, I was pregnant. I couldn't leave my bed, somehow I was tied to it, and the baby was eating it's way out of me... meh. I had four other ones, I can't remember what they were. I would wake up and be really freaked out, then try and fall back asleep for an hour. Blagh.
Love was such an easy game to play...
I think i've turned into the most mentally unstable person in the world. I feel the same again, the same as this past month of just worrying and stressing out. I dont know what the fuck triggers it, but its fucking back and I hate it.
I fucking hate it and I want it to go away with all my heart. I have no control over it and I don't know how the hell to get rid of it. I try my hardest to trust people and be understanding, but sometimes people just push my fucking buttons and its over. I need to figure some stuff and none of this perhaps or maybe shit. I need no more sympathy, i just want the fucking truth.
Nobody knows what it's like to feel these feelings, like I do, I blame you !....Love is Vengeance... Nobody knows how to say, they're sorry, don't worry, they tell lies. Nobody knows what it's like to be mistreated, to be defeated, Behind Blue Eyes !
I just need something definite. That is all, somethign concrete that encompasses some sort of mutual trust.
Maybe this will be good for me, or maybe it'll be the scariest thing imaginable. Let's just not think about it anymore, my head hurts.
I think I love eating because I always feel like there's a hole in my stomach. I can't really explain the feeling but I'm not sure if it's from being sad, angry, or lonely. I really can't explain it. Sometimes I get that feeling when its realy cold out that I'm just going to sort of fade away. That is somethign that really pisses me off. The cold just makes everything so much worse.
Frank Sinatra was a lot cooler than I am. Bastard.
I know that things are this way for me for a reason.. I don't believe I've been granted such a life because I'm a bad person, but maybe just to test to see if I'm worth the investment of oxygen. I'm not the most productive person out there, but I have my moments. i need a hug so damn bad !
I wish the worrying would go away.
To be sure of myself. To know what I want, and to know where people and places will bring me. tired of guessing and relying on luck. I need something definite. I haven't felt anything definite in a long time.
*twitch twitch*
One piece of advice to myself, never take good health granted you dumb motherfucker.
Death isn't good you cockblaster !
I guess I feel empty and useless. As long I am still alive and breathing I should be thankful.
I should be thankful that all of my friends are alive and well, and none of them has had the same terrible fate as the deceased.
I am sorry to all of those have felt that I have been neglecting them my friendship or the politness in saying hello and conversing in the hallways. I never want to hurt any of you, and its because of all of you that I am who I am. It's obvious that I'm not the nicest or smartest person in the wolrd, but I feel that my personality and self esteem are built upon the friendships and relationships that I have built with others. I hope that what we have never ends, and if it does..
well, I'm fucked.
but I'd also like to be thankful that I found someone that makes me happy and takes my mind away from stupid stressful shit. Time is the only thing that is going to end this, but time is really what I'm running out of. I never thought that the end of my immaturity would have to come, but soon its gotta.
In conclusion, I would like to just sleep with a deep and steady breath and forget the distractions brought upon by my own fuck ups.
I hope things will just settle down and things will fall into place.
And so it begins
this heavy cloud with its relentless rain
the deafining crash of blinding thunder
uprooting winds blowing through me
and so it begins
Would I be out of line, if I said I miss you?
Oh well. The experience of dealing with the ignorance of the world continues. there are few people who I now respect and enjoy being around.
People are focusing too hard on trying to be mature and trying to appear intelligent. Everyone blows so much smoke up their own ass that I think they are all just goign to explode.
I'd like you to have a nice cup of shut the fuck up.
Such a rock to swallow
Such a pain to endure
Such a burden to carry
Such a wound to heal
Such a time to wait
Such a fight...to fight
This is not goodbye, this is just hello to a world that will change me forever.
Not to self - Never say note to self !
I think today i was paying too close of attention to details of people. It really depressed the hell out of me for a little bit. I gotta stop that, otherwise i'll probably become neurotic or something odd like that.
Well wasn't that most god damn controversial entry in my life...I sometimes assume that I'm on the same level as other people..invovling desires and needs. I guess this time I wasn't
Lates.