2004-01-06 at 9:56 p.m.
I'm scared !
Tonight didn't happen. I didn't say to you them things, I didn't tell you how I felt. I wasn't selfish. I thought of you first, I didn't hope you would accept the idea with open arms.
You always will be put first with me. Always. I mean that.
In an ideal world there is two of you. we wouldnt be here now.
I feel really bad. I am sorry tonight, I really am not with it lately. Please dont take the events of tonight too much to heart, anyone, cos I am sorry for them.
I was listening to so many people, telling me, dictating to me what is best for me, what is best for you, I didnt stop to think what really is best for you, what really is best for me. It is such an awkward, tough time, everything is at a stand still between everyone. Feelings feel frozen - numb with anticipation.
School does this. If we now had the option to have a break, to move on, instead of having to see the same people everyday, then problems wouldnt occur so much. School puts a lot of stress on us, which is unfair. Not just homework, coursework, evil exams, but through its system of making us see each other every day. Thats what I can't stand the most. A few people I know I could live with, in the same house twenty-four seven, but the rest...its just not fair.
It's always felt like this, but has increased over the past two days, this new term, I can't handle. Grrr, I hate being fucking dramatic ! But I honestly can't.
I feel like I shouldnt have been on here tonight, because I wouldnt have spoken to you, who convinced me to tell you, who then convinced me to go to the last person. Which now I have upset. I say convinced, sorry for being weak.
Too much.
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