2004-01-18 at 8:55 p.m.
A barrier is being built, daily, contributing to a new profound way of life, a life in which secrecy keeps all sane. Where secrecy is the only path in which I now have left to follow, a path that ensures a life worth living for.
It is all changing, you're not the only one anymore. I've prevented myself from feeling like that. You've picked me up and dropped me too many times. You broke me, and now, I'm not going to let you fix me again.
Days are going by so quickly now, quicker than we were ever willing to believe they would. Days in which the best days of our lives should be held, are being wasted, being thrown away as if it all is pointless.
Stop flattering yourself. I'm not hung up over you, you mean something, but so does everyone now. They all mean SOMETHING. Maybe not a lot, but like DNA, they are the make-up of my life, even the enemies.
You say shutting yourself away is the worst thing a person could do, but what if it isn't? What if it could actually be the one thing to help. I've never opened up entirely to anyone, not anyone, but the things I have said have always seemed to ruin things, so stopping that little opening could make a lot of difference.
Time is not on our side. Who knows how much or how little we have left. So why do we spend days wellowing in our own self-pity and deluded nature ?
For some reason, I've stopped listening to what you say. It's sad. I just can't help but think its all fake, all a lie, the feelings you are feeling is all made up, and that in true fact it ended along time ago, you're just living it up, getting that sympathy and attention in which you thrive for. I'm not quite sure who I am aiming that at. There is so many.
The conversation in which we decided Nice guys finished last, is tragically true. Why? Even more so, why do we let it? Why are we that self-pitying and self-centered to let that happen? Why are we not out there living that life, proving people wrong that in fact Nice guys come out on top? It's because we shelter ourselves away, making ourselves and others believe that we have it hard. That we do everything in our power to get what we want, and yet, due to being nice guys we don't get it. Bullshit. It's because we don't do anything for ourselves. We don't help ourselves get what we want. We sit there waiting for it to smack us in the face, or prod, and even when it does, we let it go by, as if on some routine, as if it had touched the wrong person. It's not tough luck, it may seem that way because it happens so much, but thats a sign that it is us. We prevent good things from happening, as we all make everything so complicated and confusing. Bloody Mrs Thomas had it right, maybe in the wrong context, but nice guys are nice, but at the same time we are lazy and complacent.
We concentrate so hard on making people believe that we are nice guys, and that we'd do anything for anyone, and then sit around moaning and groaning that nothing works out for us. Alternatively we could stop caring so much about everything. That would solve alot, stop caring so much about other people, about finding that person, about exactly how our lives turn out. We are all living in a puddle of worry, and no=one realises it, whats worse, is the fact I do realise it, yet still do nothing about it. Why? Maybe to make our lives seem more interesting.
New Years Resolution #1: Get a Life | New Years Resolution #2: Get fit | New Years Resolution #3: Lock away a troubled mind | New Years Resolution #4: Learn to not care so much about individuals | New Years Resolution #5: Learn a new skill/hobby | New Years Resolution #6: Start to play football again - therefore buy a ball. | New Years Resolution #7: Work harder at keeping the things I have | New Years Resolution #8: Appreciate things more | New Years Resolution #8: Treat people how I want to be treated | New Years Resolution #9: Get a job | New Years Resolution #10: Get a girlfriend that does not complicate things | New Years Resolution #11: If #10 fails then - just get a girfriend. | New Years Resolution #12: Concentrate on school | New Years Resolution #13: If concentrating on school work is too hard then concentrate on building a bomb to destroy it | New Years Resolution #14: Not to place everything onto one person | New Years Resolution #15: To get an enemy | New Years Resolution #16: Anger managment classes | New Years Resolution #17: Join the Alcoholics Anonymous | New Years Resolution #18: Learn to sing | New Years Resolution #19: Discover something new | New Years Resolution #20: To send someone a Valetine's card | New Years Resolution #21: To at least fake being happy everyday, and not let anyone know I'm depressed anymore | New Years Resolution #22: To punch someone | New Years Resolution #23: To fart louder | New Years Resolution #24: To buy and complete Final Fantasy X-2 (of course) | New Years Resolution #25: To watch every episode of Red Dwarf, Simpsons, South Park and Futurama :) | New Years Resolution #26: To become the first cloned human... | New Years Resolution #27: Teach Mr Heighway how to spell | New Years Resolution #28: To stick a rocket up Mrs Thomas' arse ! | New Years Resolution #29: To stop talking to Ms Whitehead after lesson | New Years Resolution #30: Bribe and pay teachers to get me an Edwardian | and finally New Years Resolution #31: Stop making unachievable, pointless and stupid New years resolutions.
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