2004-01-21 at 8:43 p.m.
Let the unravelling of history, the peeling back of the layers and layers of denial, begin.
please
don't
crucify
me
for
a
mistake
Even when it is expected, loss is hard.
January again and i surrender another.
Outside of the nucleus, there is only one left.
I remember the first burial, and then the second and the third, their ashes resting under porcelain, and now this loss, expected, planned.
The fear comes quickly this morning like the cold that moves through skin quickly, pushing inside my jacket, down my mouth, its hungry fingers against my skin, the fear that this feeling will become normal.
"You do like to talk about yourself alot don't you?"
I'd give everything I have up, just for it all to be ok, for you to be here again. Anything. Why am I doing this then? You need a lesson? Maybe. Maybe this is exactly how it is meant to be. I don't know much anymore, I have lost complete control in all situations of life.
I need to regain my own control, but I can't whilst you linger, linger around us all. I can see the pressure you place upon everyone, and the trust that everyone lacks now. The obsession and the deceit. The lies and the used. What am I meant to do?
Prevaricate