2004-02-23 at 9:22 p.m.
I pause now every time that this wretched box is open, not knowing where to start, not knowing where to start because there never seems to be an end to anything.
Everything, seems to be continuously going on and on, never ceasing.
What do I do to ignore them behind me?Do I follow my instincts blindly?Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams and give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I sit here and try to stand it? Or do I try to catch them red-handed? Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness, or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness? Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin. I make the right moves but I'm lost within. I put on my daily façade but then I just end up getting hurt again
By myself.
I ask why, but in my mind I find I can't rely on myself I can't hold on to what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in.
I can't hold on to anything watching everything spin With thoughts of failure sinking in. If I turn my back I'm defenseless. And to go blindly seems senseless. If I hide my pride and let it all go on. Then they'll take from me 'till everything is gone. If I let them go I'll be outdone. But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun.If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer.
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer by myself.
How do you think I've lost so much. I'm so afraid, I'm out of touch. How do you expect I will know what to do. When all I know is what you tell me to. Don't you know. I can't tell you how to make it go.No matter what I do, how hard I try. can't seem to convince myself why. I'm stuck on the outside.
Whenever you seem to be straying from it, you'll be given something that reminds you of it. Lost in a theoretical whirlwind and a frustrated overreliance on technology, your voice in my head and then the voice of another and the word is "seizure." You are fine, you tell me again and again, but i am stuck on the word and the pictures my mind has made out of the word.
How quickly you are made vulnerable, i think, how quickly we all are.