2004-02-26 at 9:36 p.m.
I feel that everyone is living for themselves and themselves only. Is that what I am doing wrong? Not living for myself. I am constantly thinking of new things that will make you happy and smile, and keep you interested, and yet I never get anything like that in return. But should I?
It's hard to get along with people, even the closest of people, when you feel so worthless, useless and most of all pointless.
I have this person that I really want to be, knowing that if I was more like the person I have pictured myself being then I would have so much of an easier time. It involves not caring so much, not arranging things, being more laid-back, more relaxed. Not showing that I have something on my mind, so that that way you won't stop talking to me as always. Thats the person I want to be. I want to stop hurting myself, and to have a more natural eating and drinking routine. I want to have control over the things I do, be able to sit and do coursework when it needs to be done, and not feel the need to be on msn. Msn is bad. I want to be able to sit there for a couple of hours a night doing work, instead of staring aimlessly into a moniter, whether it be the computer monitor anticipating the reply of someone, or the tv monitor playing playstation.
I missed you more than ever today. Seeing someone I have no idea was, acting towards his kids the way you did me. Playing about like some big kid in the swimming pool with them, making them laugh, making them feel wanted. All of them with smiles on their faces. I was jealous. They were all younger than me, and I was jealous of them. Of what they had. No one seems to understand why I have such a dire need to feel wanted again, to feel loved. I need it more than anything else, to have someone to give them hugs, other than how they make me feel. I miss it. I feel so lonely. So afraid.
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