2004-04-19 at 2:37 a.m.
I want to be what you want me to be. The one thing you want. I want that, probably more than what you do. I've tried so hard, and yet always result in being second-best. I shake it off. I know I do, and maybe the best thing to do would be to forget everything, forget feelings, forget routine, forget everyone, forget you. Sometimes I believe you deserve it. But you change that, with one look, with one smile, with one song.
You've succeeded again, in playing with my mind, my feelings, my life. I can't help but still have these feelings. It's the only place I look for happiness, in that small shimmer of hope of us, even though most days I know it's impossible.
I don't know how I want this all to be, or to be more precise, how it can be.
We go back to school Tuesday. Another term, the last term. Then we leave. I have a job interview on Wednesday. I'm scared. Scared of change, although it has been happening all the time, except for some things. Except for the things I've wanted to. Will they change along with everything else?
My uncle died today. I found out on the phone whilst I was already at Mikes and for the first time in a while I felt too distant from absolutely everyone to actually find comfort in anyone. I just got yelled at for being down or something. I'm sorry.
It doesn't really matter how I feel inside. I'm unprotected now. Hiding from my fears. I'm scared of everything. Of you, and especially of me. Of never being understood. Of never changing, but then also scared of changing.
I don't want to lose you. You are always there, when I close my eyes. You're constantly on my mind and in my heart, and as much as sometimes I love the thought of you, it hurts twice as much. Happy now?
I'm sleeping with the light on.
I think the scariest thing is time. It goes really quickly. More quickly then anyone would like. Exams next week, German orals, and all that time to revise for it and be prepared has gone. Essays due in tomorrow that haven't actually left my school bag from the last day. Finding it hard to accept things. Dwelling too much on the past.
Its hard to be happy, when most memories are faded with death or misery. Maybe misery that I typically could have avoided or caused for myself, but it's still there, overpowering those good.
This always seems the way. Me secluding myself in some way or another. I can't begin to understand why I do it. I just do. Sitting here on my own. Listening to everyone. It's great that they all get along on the surface and that for one night at least, the ghosts are buried. Some things I can see made obvious at points, but they have generally been pushed aside for a while. I don't know if it'll work. I wonder when this will all end. Sleepovers. I'm not allowed anyone to sleepover once we leave school, due to some whack rule set by the 'rents, but will everyone else gradually stop too?
I'm just a teenage Dirtbag baby, She doesn't know what she's missing