2004-04-19 at 6:24 p.m.
It starts.
The I can't be botheredness that always looms when at school. The whole 'putting things off to the last minute' again. The dreading of each day as it looms closer to the exams. The scary wondering of who I am going to lose next, and why everything won't end. Why am I not that stong?
Cold waters surround me now.
Where is all this going? I'm so confused. I don't know where I am. I just want everything to end. Absolutely everything. Even the good things. Everything. To start afresh. New.
In all the words that I've given to you, when you smiled I thought that it meant something else, you were just being polite, being yourself, being nice. If I was scared of you then maybe I could leave, and maybe I'll walk away right now, and there would be nothing left for me to lose but doubt. But doubt.
I've never felt so far from anyone before. Never again I swore. I've lost control.
Left me here to drown, alone.
I keep hoping that you'll phone me. Just to talk, like I have done you. But it doesn't work like that does it? I do it anyway, cos I'm dumb like that.