2004-03-02 at 10:25 p.m.
I can't begin to undertand why you are doing this at the moment, of all the times to decide to just go away when I probably need you the most.
I never thought I would hear myself say it, but I am actually jealous of my brother. The amount of phone calls he gets, although most of the time short and sweet its still something, to know that his friends take that time to ring him. I never hear the phone ring to then be called to it, unless someone is ringing me back, and sometimes i could do with knowing that I am worth talking to without me dialling the number.
I am actually typing this whilst being offline because I have been disconnected by my family. I don't seem to even be getting on too well with them at the moment, they don't understand either what is on my mind. It's obviously therefore me that pushes everyone away when I have something on my mind, and not me being pushed away. I don't know how to treat people, I have this perfect image of how I wish to be treated, to be shown that someone cares, and yet, I can't do it myself. It's all words, no feeling or meaning behind it.
We go through that silent walk every morning now, or at least for the past week, and I'm beginning to think there is no point. As much as it hurts to admit, maybe we are more different than we thought, we have different views on how to treat other people and each other, different views on happiness and friendship, different views on whats right and whats wrong, and what is sticking up for our friends and what isn't, and also what we need to sacrifice sometimes in order to keep everyone happy. I've done it. I was wrong in doing so, as it inevitabely brought along more unhappiness, mainly to us two.
Today was bearably to say the least at some parts. I managed to accumulate no work whatsoever all day, except for history which I just copied mindlessly out of the text book on British History and women fighting for the vote, not quite understanding what I was copying, praying for silence so I could escape into my mind to think, or to put my music on to drown out everyone else, like I so often do now, and of course proving to Natalie that infact the second bar of My Immortal is a long stretch. Other than the revalation of a surprising new couple - surprising yet perfectly suited couple - and also the absence of many people at Vic's - not much happened at all. Which is kind of sad, as the days are slipping away, even though I wanted them to, and now I have a science exam tomorrow, which I am going to fail because I know nothing about the beating of the heart or sex.