2004-04-29 at 12:45 p.m.
I can't see the point in any of this anymore, can't see my purpose for anything. I don't feel there anymore, like I shouldn't be, and I'm sure if you would tell the truth for once, you would tell me exactly the same. But you're scared, and so am I.
I wake up this morning feeling deeply alone. It hits me first in the stomach, the slow pinch of it, and then it moves higher and higher. I know this feeling comes from your absence. Later, you will tell me how I shouldn't feel this way, that I have friends and family and the unknown future ahead. And i will pretend to agree, I will thank you for your words, for your kindness, for your patience, the tears stinging the lower lid, the holding back and then the release. I am constantly lost in my own thoughts.I scare me more than anything else, the way I am, the way I act towards people.
I've tried so long and so hard to fit in, too hard, and thats why its all like this, why nothing ever goes right, because I was never me, I tried being close to everyone, and not concentrating on the people that actually matter.
What makes me think anything will change now? Nothing.
But I do need a change, in something. I just need to find out what.
I'm sorry to everyone. Please forgive me?
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